An Anthalogy of How To-s
by Shiku00Guardiuz
Summary: The "how to"s of life, featuring multiple pairings. How To #2: How to Act in Front of Your Girlfriend's Brothers. ShikaTema
1. NaruHina

**Title:** An Anthology of "How To"s

**Authors****:** Shiku Noberu and Elguardiuz (a collaboration)

**Genre:** Romance/Humour

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Naruto. Name's not Masashi Kishimoto.

**Summary:** The 'how to's of life, featuring multiple pairings. How To #1: How to Stop Your Boyfriend's Ramen Obsession. NaruHina.

So. This is a collaborative work done by me and Elgo, my guy bestie. We were bored, and life had nothing fun to offer us, so we decided to make the fun.

Enjoy! [ Oh, and if you have any suggestions for future pairings or a random plotbunny, we would appreciate the reviews! ]

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How To #1

**How to Stop Your Boyfriend's Ramen Obsession**

Pairing: NaruHina

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When you have a boyfriend like Naruto, you need to be a girlfriend like Hinata.

Sakura wonders how Hinata puts up with a dense Naruto. Sasuke wonders how Hinata puts up with his endless chatter. Ino wonders how Hinata hooked up with Naruto in the first place. Shikamaru wonders how Hinata puts up with Naruto's idiotic brain. Choji wonders about food. Kiba wonder how Hinata puts up with Naruto's perverseness. Shino wonders how Hinata manages to be calm and collected when she's out on a 'date' with Naruto (which means they go walk to Ichiraku's and basically eat and chat there; Naruto does most of the eating). Tenten wonders how Hinata puts up with Naruto's orange wardrobe. Lee wonders about youth. Neji wonders how Hinata, his _sweet _and _gentle_ cousin, fell for Naruto. And everybody altogether wonders how Hinata manages to put up with Naruto's obsession with ramen.

Hinata's birthday is coming soon. Sakura, Ino and Tenten, her best girlfriends, were in the middle of planning on a surprise party for her. Turns out it couldn't really be much of a secret since a certain _someone_ with bushy eyebrows and total 'youthfulness' leaked the information to Naruto, which was a **very** stupid thing to do, knowing that Naruto can't keep his mouth shut. So during the next so-called date with Hinata, Naruto managed to blab out the goriest details of the 'surprise' party to her. And then she knew all about it.

So the girls decided to make a plan B. They would hold a sleepover party at Tenten's apartment! Tenten claimed that it was such a _perfect_ idea, and Sakura along with Ino couldn't agree less. The girls (excluding Hinata) shopped for the materials for a super fun and super crazy sleepover party. It was a week before Hinata's birthday when they finished decorating Tenten's apartment with colourful streamers, balloons and whatnot. Sakura had even brought extra quilts and sleeping items to make it **super comfy**. Apparently, they had forgotten about the failed plan A, so Tenten made a grave mistake in inviting the boys over to help them wrap up the presents for Hinata. Naruto, with his exuberance, managed to destroy every single decoration. Naruto destroying stuff plus pissed off and tired girls equals an emergency trip to the hospital.**_  
_**

Ino had already given up, and the girls couldn't afford to make a plan C, knowing that Naruto would destroy their hard works _again__. _As the result of their desperation, they left the party plans to the boys instead, and approached Hinata calmly (if cornering her in a dark alley was 'calm') to ask her what she wanted for her birthday. After hours of pestering Hinata, she finally succumbed and told the three desperately waiting girls with her usual put-the-pointer-fingers-together style, saying that she needed a way to stop Naruto's ramen obsession for just a day on her birthday.

When Ino asked why, Hinata almost broke into tears when she finally explained how Naruto would always take her to ramen but she actually wanted to just eat something _normal_ with him. Understanding, Sakura announced that the girls would gather in her apartment later that day to discuss different techniques to prevent ramen and Naruto from meeting each other when Hinata's birthday came around.

**Operation: Stop Naruto's Ramen Obsession **had officially begun.

**.**

**.**

Sakura threw her hands up in exasperation.

Earlier at lunch time, when Team Seven decided to get lunch together, Naruto had once _again_ suggested Ichiraku's. Thankfully, Kakashi and Sasuke were on the same boat with Sakura, so they harmoniously stated that they had enough of ramen and walked without a care to the BBQ restaurant Choji had once introduced Sakura to. Kakashi got stuck with dragging Naruto as you could see his soul visibly limping from his mouth. Throwing Naruto on the seat beside him when they reached the BBQ restaurant, Team Seven's table was full of smiles and a flowerbed literally popped up around them. Glad to have a break from ramen for once, even _Sasuke_ visibly showed his relief by curving his mouth into a small smile (which later drove Sakura and Kakashi to be mentally scarred for life and swear to never be around Sasuke when he was _happy_).

As they waited for the waiter to come back with their respective meals, Naruto sulked and mushrooms were growing on him. Kakashi and Sakura sweatdropped while Sasuke decided to be the "teme" he is so he insulted Naruto, resulting in a full-blown argument consisting of "TEME!"s and "Hn, dobe"s. Once the food came, Sakura narrowed her eyes and turned to Naruto, sharply staring at him. Sweating at the sharp stares Sakura was giving him, Naruto indignantly raised his head up with his mouth full of rice and raised an eyebrow questioningly. Sakura smiled sweetly and Naruto audibly gulped.

"Where are you taking Hinata on her birthday, Naruto?"

"Ichiraku's, of course!" And Naruto had the nerve to answer that with vigor. Sakura left the BBQ restaurant with a satisfied smile and left behind a Naruto with his face buried ten inches deep in the ground.

Back to the present. Sakura called the other girls and told them that Naruto was still being an inconsiderate idiot, so she left the next step of dropping subtle hints to Ino about _not_ taking Hinata to Ichiraku's.

Ino leisurely walked along the streets to Naruto's apartment. She was bringing a ridiculously large bouquet of lilies; they were Hinata's favourite flowers. She brought them to make sure Naruto surprises Hinata and to find an excuse to talk to him about the ramen obsession. She reached the apartment, and like the awesome ninja she was, she didn't bother climbing up the stairs. Ino focused chakra on her soles and climbed straight up to Naruto's kitchen window. Unsurprisingly, Naruto was in the middle of making instant ramen. Knocking the glass window, Naruto jumped out of his skin and his eyes widened like a fish's and scrambled over to the window. Unlocking it, he greeted Ino with a loud yell of disbelief.

She handed the bouquet and told him to keep it alive for two days before Hinata's birthday came so that he could give it to her. Naruto cried a waterfall of tears and attempted to hug Ino but she held out a hand, stopping Naruto in his face. Helping him arrange the flowers in a vase, Ino asked calmly on where Naruto would take Hinata on her birthday dinner. Naruto oh-so-joyously claimed that Ichiraku's would be the best dinner _ever_, and Ino refrained from hitting his head. She casually recommended the new BBQ restaurant for their dinner date because Hinata claimed to have liked the meals served there, but Naruto would not hear about it and continued on ignoring Ino and started eating his ramen._  
_

Ino snatched the ramen cup from Naruto's hands and threw it out the window, vaguely hearing a surprised yelp from a random dog unluckily passing by. Ignoring Naruto's cries and protests, Ino flicked Naruto's forehead and used a teleportation jutsu back to her flower shop. Stomping towards the telephone, she called Sakura and Tenten and informed them of the success of the bouquet plan but it was a hopeless attempt to change Naruto's plans for Hinata. Tenten, not wanting to be pissed off by Naruto and his clueless mind, decided to make a _perfect_ plan to get Naruto obsessed with something else.

The next day, the girls gathered in Ino's flower shop. Her parents were out for the day, so they continued on with the final plan for the operation. Tenten had suggested that Hinata expressed her feelings to Naruto about his obsession on the day, and see the reaction. If he cared, then Hinata could convince him to change their dinner location. If he didn't, Sakura would bash in Naruto's face and Hinata would decide to break-up with him. Ino, being the best seduction kunoichi in Konoha, suggested that Hinata tried putting on strawberry lip gloss and go straight for the prize. Usually, Sakura would do anything to prevent Hinata from doing any of the actions Ino told her to do. This time, Sakura actually agreed and told Hinata to kiss him and let him get Hinata's natural taste and let him be obsessed with something else.

Blushing, Hinata could do nothing but comply to the suggestions of her girl friends.

**.**

**.**

On the day of Hinata's birthday, Rookie 9 along with Sai and Team Gai attended Hinata's birthday party held at the Hyuuga compound. Everything went smoothly, and Sakura, Ino and Tenten felt giddy at the thought of having their last plan put in action. As soon as they concluded the party in the afternoon, the girls whisked Hinata away before Naruto even got the chance of asking Hinata out to dinner at Ichiraku's. Sakura yelled 'she'll meet you at your apartment!' from afar, and continued to run on to Ino's flower shop. They scrambled up the stairs and panted when they finally reached Ino's room. Tenten put Hinata on Ino's bed, telling her to stay put as Ino searched for the perfect dress for Hinata and Sakura readied the make-up tools.

Ino dressed Hinata up, giving her an elegant midnight blue knee-length dress with hints of white at the end. She had already provided a pair of white 3-inch heels for Hinata to wear later on. Sakura pulled Hinata's waist-length hair into an elegant side bun with some loose curls escaping. She then applied some light mascara and eyeshadow, and presented Hinata to Tenten. Tenten circled Hinata, dramatically whipping out a limited edition strawberry lip gloss. She handed it to Hinata and Hinata sweatdropped, but nonetheless applied a thin layer of lip gloss.

The girls squealed about how perfect Hinata was and ushered her out of Ino's room and delivered her straight to Naruto's doorstep. Giggling, Sakura, Ino and Tenten waved 'goodbye' at Hinata and laughed, skipping away from the apartment complex to get ready to spy on Hinata and Naruto. Hinata sweatdropped once again and nervously rang the doorbell to Naruto's apartment. Naruto opened the door enthusiastically and nearly caused poor Hinata to have a heart attack. She blushed when she saw Naruto already set for their dinner date. He was wearing an orange shirt (obviously) and black dress pants with his usual hairstyle since it was untamed. Naruto hugged Hinata and he used a teleportation jutsu to:

**ICHIRAKU'S.**

**(A/N: Cue the touching drama scene.)**

Sakura, who was awaiting Naruto's arrival if he dared take Hinata to the ramen stand, had to be restrained by Tenten before Sakura could kill Naruto. Naruto didn't wait for Hinata come in but went ahead instead, making himself comfortable in his chair and ordering loads of ramen for him to eat. Tenten had already called Ino from her earpiece and they both had to restrain Sakura now. Their hearts broke when Hinata stayed out, rubbing her arms together. Sakura couldn't stand it anymore and was trying to get out from the bush but stopped herself when she saw Hinata's tears. Shaking her head at Ino and Tenten, she told them that Hinata would need to solve this problem with Naruto since Naruto had gone too far this time. Ino nodded in agreement, and Tenten reluctantly agreed with Sakura. The girls stealthily jumped away from the scene, giving Hinata one last glance before turning and preparing a sleepover party at Tenten's. If Hinata decided to break up with Naruto, they would need all the fun and sake in the world to help her forget.

Hinata tried desperately to wipe her tears and _go into the ramen stand, dammit_ but it was just so hard. She wanted this night to be special, or at least let Naruto realize. She couldn't stop a sob from escaping her lips, so she ran away from the shop, jumping on the rooftops to go to her destination, which was the Hokage Mountain. Naruto was in the ramen shop, started eating the ramen once it was placed in front of him by Teuchi. Teuchi asked him, confused, to why Naruto was wearing a formal attire in a ramen shop _alone__. _Snapping out of his senses, he heard a sob and realized that Hinata was not beside him, nor was she outside the ramen stand. In panic, Naruto left his seat and ran from Ichiraku's, searching the whole village for Hinata.

Naruto's eyes widened as he understood now what the (not so) subtle hints Sakura and Ino tried to tell him of. Bashing his head on a random wall of the Hokage Residence, he yelled at himself. He should've taken Hinata to that BBQ place. How could he be so inconsiderate about Hinata's wants?! The man had to be the one fulfilling the wishes of the woman once in a while in a relationship, dammit! Just as he was about to go find Hinata in another direction, he caught a flurry of dark blue hair passing by and heading towards the Hokage Mountain and he instantly knew it was Hinata. Catching up to her, Naruto took her wrists and was shocked to he see her crying. She struggled against his hold, but Naruto held her wrists tighter.

He repeated 'I'm sorry' many times into her hair, holding her close in an apolagetic and tender embrace, calming Hinata down. Hinata explained shakily that she wanted them to have a dinner date somewhere else more special. Naruto apologized once more, hugging Hinata tighter and kissed her forehead. Remembering Ino's words of advice on the plan just yesterday, Hinata grabbed Naruto's cheeks, much to Naruto's shock, and kissed him.

"Mmm," Naruto said into the kiss, releasing her after a while. "Strawberries."

Hinata blushed.

"I guess making strawberries into my favourite food now isn't so bad."

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Done. ^^ Maybe... It lacked humour? ._. *shifts eyes*

R&R? :D


	2. ShikaTema

**Title: **How to Act in Front of Your Girlfriends Brothers

**Authors: **Shiku Noberu and Elguardiuz (a collaboration)

**Genre: **Humor/Romance

**Disclaimer: **Naruto do not own Shiku and I nor Shiku and I own Naruto

**Summary: **The 'how to's of life, featuring multiple pairings. How To #2: How to Act in Front of Your Girlfriend's Brothers.

YES! Second chapter of the How To anthology!

Beware of the cuss! You have been warned.

The world hasn't been that exciting really. Like we're still expecting a super ninjatastic spy to come outta nowhere and teach us how to breathe fire, or ice, or mud, or poop.

And this chappie is slightly different that the one before.

Now that all things' settled, ON WITH THE STOREEEHH!

**Shiku's comment:** FUDGE YOU ELGARD! AND YOUR SENSE OF HUMOUR! I WANT ITTTT.

**ENJOY**!

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How to #2

**How to Act in Front of Your Girlfriend's Brothers**

Pairing : ShikaTema

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I have a secret.

Well actually it's not a secret but for the sake of my amusement let's just say it is, okay?

You wanna know the secret?

The secret is, being lazy is awesome.

I mean if you're one of those strict, super organized, neat freaks, you won't understand what I'm saying. You won't understand the feeling of just lying down in a field of grass and relaxing, not worrying, and then maybe watch some clouds and play some shogi.

And as a lazy guy I ultimately am, that's what I'm supposed to do.

But does my girlfriend of 2 years approve this routine? **Of course not.**

Instead she suggested (more like ordered) for us to train all day. Or when we're not too busy training, she said we should just grab a dango because she likes them. How about _my_ likes? She said my likes aren't healthy nor productive.

Psh, I could be planning a war strategy while watching the clouds for all she knows.

And once, she said that with my skill I should at least be a Jonin and all I lack is motivation.

What if I don't want to be a Jonin? I mean my pay as an active chunin is pretty good, and the work is okay, so why bother adding even _more_ work to myself? And if I have more work, then that means my time with her won't be as much as usual now would it?

I honestly don't understand her logic. I really don't.

See, I am a genius with an IQ of over 200. And I'm pretty smart if I do say myself. But it doesn't take a genius to know that a girl wants something out of you if she's following your routine in which she previously disapproved of.

I mean, she's currently in the grass clearing, watching the clouds, with me and _not_ talking nor complaining.

I suspect the world is going to end soon.

"So, what do you want troublesome woman? Out with it." I said, breaking the pregnant silence.

"You know, the 'troublesome woman' thing has really losing its effect, you shouldn't use it that often," she replied without even glancing towards me.

Okay so maybe the world isn't ending. _Yet_.

"Fine, what do you want beautiful?"

She closes her eyes. A small smirk is still present on her lips.

"What if I told you that my brothers know that we're sleeping together and invited you for a dinner at Suna. They're expecting us to arrive there by tomorrow."

Okay, totally not what I expected.

"Tch, troublesome."

She got up in a sitting position, and turned her head to see me.

"It's not like you have any urgent missions or anything and the chunin exams is like a year away. And all you do here is watching clouds, sleeping and playing the damn shogi!"

"Hey I eat too! Sometimes…"

She glares at me. Hm, maybe it's not the right time for jokes.

"That is totally beside the point!" She exhales while running her hand to her four-ponytail blonde hair which signs that she seems frustrated about the whole thing.

That makes her looks rather cute.

"What I'm saying," she continues, "is that you should just accept the invitation and just go already damnit."

"Okay fine. I'll go."

"Great," Temari said.

"Great," I said, mimicking her. Just with less enthusiasm.

"We'll go tomorrow morning. Meet me in the village gates," she said while standing up.

"Where are you going?" I said, disappointed.

"To grab some dango, duh." She said already walking to the direction of the dango store. And she doesn't have to turn back to see if I'm following her.

Tch, I can feel her victorious smirk.

**.**

**.**

I yawned.

That's like my 56th yawn since we left the gates.

Believe me, I count.

I yawned again.

That makes it the 57th.

We haven't made any stops unless it's for toilet breaks because Temari insisted to not stop anywhere so that we could arrive at Suna in 12 hours. And it's been 11 hours or something, considering the sky is already dark.

So the plan of leaving to Suna in the morning was a fail. And so does the plan of meeting in the village's gate. Because a series of things happened after the dango shop. Like for example, after we left the dango shop, I recommended for us to watch some clouds again in which she surprisingly agreed. A shocker, I know. And then, the rain fell heavily out of a sudden, drenching both mine and Temari's clothes. And to be honest with you, the sight of Temari with her hair wet and down, her shoulder slumped, raising her hand to embrace the rain with this satisfied and happy smile (not a smirk, I repeat, a smile) wasn't a bad sight.

She looked angelic.

And so, after that we went to my apartment because her hotel is on the other side of the village. And she said she was cold too. So we went to my apartment to change and she decided she wanted to just spend the rest of the night here. She wore my shirt which is way too big for her. And yes, she only wore that for the rest of the night. (Well, that and a sly sexy smirk, but.) And let's just say things we did after that wasn't appropriate for child's ear.

I could practically still hear her moan though.

"We're here!"

Okay, those words wake me up to reality.

…Damn! I was having fun.

We finally arrive at the gates. And well, even though she's the elder sister of the Kazekage, they still have to check her papers, as well as mine too. After we finished with the immigration, we hurriedly make our way to the Kazekage's office.

Without knocking, she immediately opens the door and goes in with me in tow.

The sight that greets us is Gaara with two mountains of paper works on both of his table's sides. And here I thought I my job is just way too much. He seems to be writing something and stops the moment we barged in. His head jerks up to see us and he seems surprised by our arrival.

"Temari? I wasn't expecting you till a few days." Gaara raised a non-existent eyebrow.

Oh, so she lied about the whole 'tomorrow' thing, huh? Troublesome.

"Yeah, the work I have to do there is finished; the relationship between the two villages is still good. No sign of threats coming from them. So I thought not we just rearranged the dinner's date? The sooner the better right?" Temari said, while making herself comfortable in one of the sofas near the door.

Gaara doesn't seem to be pleased. I don't think he agrees this whole thing either. Or maybe it's just me he's not agreeing with.

"Hm, fine. We'll do it tonight," the red-haired said, while going back to his writing.

"Yay! Now I'm gonna unpack. See you tonight, Gaara. Let's go, crybaby," Temari called out to me.

We walk out of the office, on our way to her apartment.

I have a feeling that it's going to be troublesome. But what isn't right?

**.**

**.**

It's 7 pm already.

At least that's what the clock in the dining room shows.

The food is here and it's delicious too, we're happily eating, Temari is fully clothed and I don't have any boner. Everything is just perfect.

Well except the fact that there's this awkward pregnant silence in the table.

"So Nara," Kankuro breaks the silence, "how long have you been fucking my sister?"

Okay, talk about being blunt.

I heard a kick under the table. I think it's from Temari.

"OW! What the hell old hag!?" exclaimed Kankuro in which he received a death glare from Temari as a reply.

"Uhm, I've been **dating** Temari for the last two years now," I said, emphasizing on the word dating.

"HA! SO YOU ADMITTED THAT YOU'RE FUCKING HER!?" Kankuro screamed, now standing up and putting his left hand on the table as a support. His right hand pointed at my face.

"Kankuro, sit down," Gaara said calmly.

Okay, honestly I don't know what to answer.

"It is perfectly normal for a couple their age to have sexual intercourse every now and then," Gaara said, in between munches. But the fact that he said all of that in a poker face amazes me.

"Yeah what he said! Or maybe you're just jealous cause you don't get any?" Temari said, raising one of her eyebrow, daring him.

"Wha- I do get laid!" Kankuro screamed in his defense.

"With who, might I ask?"

"With uhh, umm, "

"My thought exactly," Temari replied, with a victorious smirk.

"Hey! I'm not the only one that isn't getting laid frequently!" Kankuro exclaimed.

"Well that's what you know," Gaara said, wiping his mouth with the napkin.

Both Kankuro and Temari's mouth hanged open (I believe it almost touches the floor)

I can practically see the betrayed aura coming from Kankuro. Poor guy.

Well that and Temari's disgusted face.

It's always the silent ones.

**.**

**.**

It's time for dessert.

It's cake today.

Hmm, Temari's seems to be enjoying it, licking her spoon seductively. I bet she's doing it just to taunt me.

Well it certainly worked.

Tch, troublesome woman.

"Shikamaru, I heard from Temari that you're still in Chuunin rank. Are you planning on elevating to Jonin soon?" Gaara asked.

This is a tricky question. It's either being honest and be hated for the truth, or lie and be hated for lying.

Hm, the second option seems promising. And secure.

At least for now.

"I'm planning on taking the upcoming Jonin exam," I said.

Okay, bad move, because I instantly sees the gleam in Temari's eyes. Which honestly isn't a bad sight; it's just that, it means she's planning something.

Something that she considers good.

Which is bad for me.

…Why am I dating her again?

"Hm, that's good" Gaara said, nodding in approval.

"Yeah right, I bet you're just lying your ass off to get Gaara's approval! But you won't fool me with that stupid trick! And you most certainly won't get my fucking approval!" Kankuro screams, standing up again.

…well damn.

"Who needs your approval anyway? " Temari said, in between spoon-licks.

"**WHAT!?** How dare you to say such thing! _People_ need my approval, Temari!" He screamed, again.

He's almost as loud as Naruto right now. Almost. Which is actually saying something.

"No they don't," Temari said shrugging.

"Gaara! Tell her how people need my approval!"

"They don't Kankuro, face it," Gaara said.

"How could you did that to me!? What about bros before hoes?"

"It died a long time ago. Along with your brain Kankuro," Temari said, taking another slice.

"Haha, very funny."

"Your face is funny."

"Bitch you did not just go there!"

"Why? I'm not _approved_?

"You know what I think I'm not approving your whole existence."

"You think? Don't hurt yourself there."

"Enough," Gaara said calmly.

Somehow I feel left out.

"We're not always like this," Gaara said, looking seriously at me.

I sincerely doubt that.

**.**

**.**

"I hear you smoke," Gaara asked.

I expected this question since the very beginning. People (including the troublesome woman) have been warning me about the danger of smoking and yadda yadda, I know what I'm doing and their consequences okay?

"Yes I do," I answered calmly.

Gaara's looking at me while raising his eyebrow (if he had one that is) as if expecting something more out of me.

Realizing I'm not saying anything, he continues.

"Well, are you planning on stopping anytime soon?" He said.

"I-"

"He can do whatever he wants."

Guess who said that!

Seriously guess.

No, it's not George Washington.

"He'll know when to stop by himself. I believe in him," Temari said.

Well if those statements don't make me stop. I don't know what will.

Smart, troublesome annoying woman.

"Hm okay then," Gaara replied calmly

"Just one final question Nara, I'm getting sick of staring that pineapple hair. Can you take care of my sister?"

Who _the crap_ asked you to stare at my hair?

"Yes, I can," I replied surely.

"How so?

"I thought you were only asking one final question?"

"ENOUGH WITH MIND GAMES GODDAMMIT! Just answer the fucking question!"

"Well, it's simple, it's because I love her."

And I could see her blushing.

…score!

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Fiuuuuhhh finished…

I still think it lacks in both Comedy and Romance department though. But I couldn't think of anything to add. And I think the ending sucks balls!

**Shiku's comment:** What da crap Elgard? No, seriously? THIS IS LACKING? ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF ME? IT HURTS, DAMMIT! (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻

Oh, and do not smoke just because Shikamaru does, it's not healthy. (no shit)

Layter.


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